Powered by Blogger.


I had postpartum depression, but I didn't know it until my second baby was born.
January 2019

I was so happy and full of energy after my son was born last year. I couldn't wait to go home so that he can meet his sister and I could not wait to start my new life as a mom of two. I just wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible. It was such a positive experience that felt extremely strange at the same time. I just kept wondering if this is how it was supposed to feel when I gave birth to my daughter back in 2018. Now that I look back, I know I that I was suffering. I see pictures of my daughter when she was a few months old and I feel guilty. She deserved a happier and more mentally present mom.

Even when I traveled I felt I had to challenge myself to leave our hotel room. 
Everything was such a blur after Luna was born. I only remember the feeling of stress, guilt and anxiety weighing over me as I tried to take care of newborn who seemed to never stop crying unless she was nursing. My husband and I chose to stay an extra day at the hospital because we were too exhausted to go home. I could have stayed a lot longer if it had been up to me.

I cried everyday for two weeks after we brought my daughter home. I did not want people to stop by and visit because I did not know how to calm down my fussy, colicky baby. My nipples were raw and bloody from nursing several consecutive hours each time my baby demanded it. I stayed home for a month straight and the thought of leaving my house made me panic. It also didn't help that my baby cried until she was blue in the face every time she rode in the car, but we will save that for a different post.

I didn't want people to see me struggle and I definitely didn't want people to see me fail as mom because I was supposed to enjoy this stage in my life and take in all the precious moments with my newborn. I kept thinking, I just have to suck it up. I never heard any of the moms in my life complain, so I shouldn't either.

That is when I started forcing myself to get dressed, to put on makeup, to go to family gatherings, travel, etc., but the tiredness, anxiety from thinking my baby could have an outburst in any moment and sadness from feeling like such a shitty mom never left. Everything felt forced. I hated feeling like I had to come up with excuses as to why my baby was hysterically crying when we were out in public. She just needed to nurse for comfort the majority of the time and I knew people wouldn't understand that. I was a nervous wreck and it was a feeling that I eventually learned to live with.

Posing with an ice cream I bought right after my legs collapsed under me.

I kept getting praises about how great I looked and how quickly I "bounced back" to my pre-pregnancy weight. It was not because I wanted be thin, or because I was on a diet. What they didn't know was that I struggling to gain weight because my baby required so much of my time and energy that I did not have time to eat, especially during the first few months. I tried really hard to eat well, but I was still weak and unhealthy.

You know those moms that gleam with joy while they are out shopping at Target with their newborn? I thought they were nuts. There was no way a new mom could be that happy. Who chooses to go out with their baby for fun? I became jealous of the moms who were able to leave their babies with a sitter to enjoy a weekend getaway when I couldn't even get more than an hour to workout in peace.

I should have said something, but to whom? The moms in my life that never complained? I did mention something to my friends who didn't have kids. I said something along the lines of experiencing some dark moments every now and then, but I made it seem like it was a normal part of motherhood. 

January 2020

I went a whole year feeling this way and it wasn't until two weeks (because I went through a mourning period) after I stopped breastfeeding my daughter that I felt the brain fog lift. I finally felt more like myself, was able to focus and think clearly. I was ready to conquer the world, except this happened at the beginning of 2020 and we all know what went down at the beginning of 2020 (thanks Rona).

The second time I got pregnant I was mentally preparing to go through all that again. In fact, I didn't make plans with anyone after my son's due date because I really thought I was going to have the same postpartum experience. It's insane that even three years after my daughter was born, I still thought what I went through was a normal part of motherhood.

That is why I was so surprised at myself the second time I gave birth. I couldn't believe that I was experiencing mental clarity. I certainly didn't think I was going to enjoy this stage of my life as a mother of two so much and that I would actually be genuinely happy. Yes, my life is now busier, but it has never been better. I'm hoping this will encourage those going through a life change to speak to someone about what they are feeling. I held back because I never heard anyone complain about the things I was going through, or because I thought they couldn't relate. 

Thank you for reading!

Much Love,


  1. So sorry that you were struggling and didn't get the support you deserved when your daughter was born! I found that there was a lot of support after pregnancy here with all the post birth checkups and it was good to have a doctor that listened to and understood me. It's always so sad when you see people struggling but no-one helps them and I'm really sorry that was your case. I'm glad you had a much better experience with your son and didn't face the same things. Life with two is hectic, and mine were just 18 months apart, but I loved it, and I wouldn't have done it any other way, so glad you are enjoying motherhood now too!

    Hope that you are having a good weekend :) Another sunny day here thankfully, helping things dry out after the floods!

    Away From The Blue

    1. Your comment brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for being so understanding and encouraging. I am glad we are able to enjoy motherhood the way we have.

  2. Such a brave post. Thanks for sharing. It was hard with my first born as well. He staying in the NICU for a week and came home with nipple confusion. Meaning he cried and wouldn't nurse. And I couldn't stop crying because I felt like a failure, like I was the reason he was so unhappy. It's didn't help that we were bombarded with parenting tips. So many we look back on and are appalled that we event tried.

    Enjoy your babies. Sending you love.

    1. Wow, your first postpartum experience sounds like it was very difficult! I think at the time we become very desperate and are willing to try anything. Thank you for sharing your story and for the love.

  3. Oh my, i feel really sorry about what you've been going thru. And i am angry about people who said to you, that this is a "part of motherhood"! Yeah, maby sometimes but no permanent! You are great mother no matter what! <3

  4. Thank you for sharing your experiences ❤

  5. Thanks and keep sharing great content.

    Diana - Fall Hijab Outfit Ideas